How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
