I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
