first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
