i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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