Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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