Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
