saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
