when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
