When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
