I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
