No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
