Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
