Pappa wants mamma naked
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
