we're chasing vodka with high fives
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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