The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
