just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
