I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
