Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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