I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Randomize
