It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
