It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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