i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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