she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
