I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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