Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
