You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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