you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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