I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
