I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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