but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
even my farts smell like vagina
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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