Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
