I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
