in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
