and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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