Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
