Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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