I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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