god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
