I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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