dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
