The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
There r osticjed everywhere
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
