Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
