Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
you never un-have a 4some
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
