haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
