i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
