you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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