Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
