i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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