I wanna bring you to show and tell
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
