Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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