I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
