I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
