I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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