Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
