And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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