I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
