Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
