Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
